This topic is heavily discussed in "A Love Letter Life" by Audrey and Jeremy Roloff. This has easily become my favorite book not just because of the love story tell but also because of the principles that Audrey and Jeremy share with their readers. I have a few friends getting married this year // that just got engaged and it's Seth and I's anniversary month so I felt like this would be the perfect time to share these principals along with some advice that Seth and I have to share.
The main concept behind this post is that you should be preparing for your marriage more than you are preparing for your wedding. Weddings have become a big ordeal now and the industry is over a 50 billion dollar industry. Everyone is spending time and money preparing for this one big day instead of putting in the time and effort to prepare for the lasting effect of the wedding: the marriage. We're so focused on our "big day" that the life after that isn't given a second thought. I hope that this advice helps you think of the "happily ever after" that follows your "big day".
**Side note: I'm not saying there is anything wrong with having an amazing wedding. Seth and I shared an incredible day that we put a lot of time and money into so please don't think I am saying to not have an incredible day but just to read my post below with an open heart and mind.
When Seth and I got engaged, we did a pre-martial counseling book together, which I strongly recommend going through a book together or going to a counselor prior to getting married. Here is the link for the book we used, "Right From the Start". We actually bought the pastor's guide and did it together on Sunday's before we got married after church. We'd make a date out of it and go to lunch and do our lesson for the week. By doing this, we were able to talk about topics that we hadn't discussed before such as how we felt a marriage should be, how we would handle certain situations, we discussed boundaries, we discussed dreams and aspirations, how we would handle finances, etc. During these discussions, Seth and I were able to set goals and expectations for our marriage.
Now that Seth and I have been married for (almost) 3 years, there are a few things that I strongly recommend for engaged/married couples.
1. The Marriage Journal
Seth and I started our first journal in the Spring and we can't say how much better this book has made our communication. Communication is something that Seth and I have ALWAYS struggled with, starting at the beginning of our relationship. This journal is something you complete one time a week and goes through questions like what were the highs and lows of your week, what can I do for you this week, and my favorite, how can I pray for you this week. Seth and I sit down on Sunday afternoons and complete this together. It's nice having guaranteed quality time together with no distractions. I feel like this is a stepping stone for our communication. It starts with this journal and then through the week, we ask each other how our days were, and now our overall communication is 10x better. You can buy a copy of this HERE.
2. Set Boundaries
This also something newer that Seth and I have been doing and we have one specific boundary - our phones. We set a cut off limit - 8:00 PM - when we are not on our phones. We found that we were spending time together but we were on our phones when we could be spending quality time together like talking about our days or cooking dinner together or having game night. I found that you can set a timer on your phone (iPhone) that has a screen shut off time where it locks your apps after a certain time so you can't access them easily (you can unlock the apps if you really need them). This has been huge for our relationship and has also made our communication with each other better. Another boundary that we have is that we don't have a TV in our bedroom. My aunt and uncle gave us this advice when we first got married and I think it is so important! When you have a TV in your bedroom, like your phone, it's distracting you from what you should be doing in your bedroom (we're all adults here so I don't think I need to discuss that any further).
3. Shared Finances
I love Dave Ramsey. I listen to his podcast, I took a personal finance class in college, which was based on his foundations, and I have been reading his "Total Money Makeover" book. If you aren't familiar with him, do a Google search and the first thing you will probably see is his 7 Baby Steps. I think he lays out a great foundation for your finances and it's easy to follow, which is great for married couples. You can talk about your financial goals and be on the same page. Seth and I also follow his advice for married couples, which is to have shared banking information. We only have 1 bank account with both of our names on it. We both put money in and we both take money out. We use our money to pay our bills. I know not all couples agree with this but as Dave says, this is how it's supposed to be according to the Bible; "So they are no longer two, but one flesh." - Mark 10:8. Here is Dave's article on this matter.
4. Not You, Not Me, But We
This is another big principal in "A Love Letter Life" and I love this so much. Basically instead you saying to your spouse, "You forgot to do this" you say "We forgot to do this". When you get married, you're joined together so there shouldn't be any individual efforts. You should be doing things together. Seth and I have really tried to implement this into our lives but it is hard and we slip sometimes! But we try to make our statements a joint effort so now it's not "you need to hurry up or you're going to make us late" but "we need to leave soon or we are going to be late". Or "what do you want for dinner" but "what should we have for dinner". Your tone changes when you change the you's and I's into we's. Your tone is more loving and caring and you're removing the individual blame.
5. Date Nights
This is SO important in a marriage. I think one of the most misunderstood concepts in a marriage is that when you get married, you lose all passion and romance that you had while dating. That's a lie! If anything, you should be more romantic and fall more and more in love with your spouse then you did when you were dating. Seth and I try to go on date nights every other week, if not at least once a month. It gives you quality time to spend together in the midst of the craziness that life/ jobs/ kids/ pets can bring to your lives. And you don't have to go out to have a date night! Sometimes it's as easy as ordering a pizza and watching a movie at home that you've both wanting to see or having game night! We're also guilty of having date night/ laundry night where we fold our laundry to spend some time together and we get our favorite take out. But we do like going out to dinners as well and spending time together.
As I said, Seth and I are about to enter our fourth year of marriage so we definitely don't have marriage figured out but we make the most of it day after day. I hope that some of the things listed above that have helped Seth and I, help you and your boyfriend/ girlfriend, fiancee, husband/ wife in whatever phase of life you are in.
I love hearing others marriage advice so what is the best marriage advice you offer to newlyweds?
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